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Life Is A Circus/Transcript
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW Red: You ever see one of these? It's called a lazy susan. I don't know who it's named after, but she sounds like my kinda woman. Now, these things are great for reaching stuff at a round table -- I'm gonna need this table cloth. But if you've got a narrow rectangular table, you're going to have to dump susan and go with a taller skinnier model. Okay, first thing you wanna do is lay a ladder along the length of your dining room table. It's always handy to have one anyway, in case some of your guests are social climbers. [ chuckles ] okay, you know what the first "step" is? This one. [ chuckles ] how 'bout the second "step"? All right, harold! I'm gettin' to it. Okay, now, I cut my tablecloth into two narrow strips. Same length as my ladder. And I attached the ends together using the handyman's secret weapon. Got the one end around the bottom rung of the ladder, and the other end goes right around this car muffler. Now, you can use anything you want, as long as it's cylindrical, because when you duct tape it to a reversible drill, the whole unit becomes more than a centerpiece, it's a conveyor belt. This isn't just a lazy susan, it's an easy flow. Actually got the idea from watching all those beer cases roll along the metal cylinders over at the beer store. And they called it a misspent youth. So in keeping with the beer store theme, I've packed all my food and condiments into this two-four. So hey, pass the ketchup. And while you're at it, pass the mayo, mustard, relish, salad dressing, salt, pepper, salsa, jalapeños, peanut butter, olives, paprika, steak sauce, canned gravy, liquid cheese and malt vinegar. And when you wanna get those condiments for your own food, just switch the drill to full-speed, reverse, and you can get them back in a hurry. Okay, uh, it's also great for picnics. [ cheers and applause ] thank you very much. Appreciate it. All right. Big, big week up at the lodge this week. 75th anniversary of the lodge, so we're having kind of a carnival thing. Stuff like boat rides -- or submarine rides, if you get one of the older boats. It's also a maelstrom year. Every 25 years, we have these things called a maelstrom. It's when lodge members are allowed to challenge each other to prove their manhood. In a maelstrom, you can either accept the challenge, or you have to resign from the lodge. Probably why our membership never goes up. Red! Red! Yeah? Wait'll you see this! Is it a maelstrom thing? Somebody challenge your manhood? No, but I haven't been home yet. No, no, this is old man sedgwick's maelstrom. He was dared to sell all his old army memorabilia. That's a pretty small challenge. Well... He's got a pretty small manhood. You know what, I got some great deals, red. I got a cannon! I got a real cannon! Wow! Yeah, and his old helmet. You know, I bet he wore this on his way to battle. Yeah, I bet he did. I bet he wore these running shoes on his way out of battle! Uncle red! Uncle red! Dalton, hello. I have a fantastic idea. Harold, you can't afford a sex change. Ha, ha, ha. No, no, no, no. No, it's a fantastic idea. What we do is take all this stuff from old man sedgwick's garage sale, right, and we take that and we use it to turn our carnival into a circus! That's a dumb idea. Well, we can charge people more. I like it. That's good, dalton, because everyone has to pitch in to help. And you can help by being the circus clown. No, no, no. It's not a request... It's a maelstrom! [ red chuckles ] uncle red, your maelstrom... Huh? [ laughter and applause ] every circus needs a bearded lady. Did you know we have a cannon, harold? Yeah, I heard. Yeah, that's good. Well, your maelstrom is to be the human cannonball. It's time for the possum lodge word game! [ cheers and applause ] wahoo! Today's winner receives this coupon for a free session at the port asbestos rhinoplasty and high colonic centre, where you can get a nose job and a hose a job. Try it. You'll breathe easier. Okay, cover your thingies, ed. Uh, mr. Green, you got 30 seconds to get ed frid to say this word... Yeah, all right, mike. Okay, and... Go! Okay, ed, um, this is something your uncle shears to make sweaters. His back. No, okay -- no. Uh, ed, where does wool come from? Wool-mart? No, no, uh -- okay, when you see a guy on tv and he's running from the law, you know he's on the... Board of directors. Okay, okay, think, ed. Mutton. Jeff. No, okay, in the bible it says what will lie down with the lion? Dead tourists. No, okay, this is a person that some folks actually worship. If you think of the mountains, you think of the dalai... Parton. You're almost outta time, mr. Green. Yeah, uh... Okay, ed, this is something you've heard most of your life. Mary had a little... Headache. No, no, ed. This is a song. Oh, you mean like, who put the bop in the bop she-bop she-bop? Or who put the ram in the rama lama ding dong? There it is! When it's your 40th birthday, you get a house full of gifts. When it's your septic's 40th birthday, you get a whole yard full of 'em. Call me before you hit the big 4-uh-oh. My wife wants me to be healthier. So she gave me one of these woks to cook with. A few years ago. Now, I know there are a lot of really bad wok jokes... "wok this way" or "if I could wok that way, I wouldn't need the frying pan" or the incredibly juvenile, "you can tell by the way I use my wok, "I'm a ladies man/ no time to talk." well, see, those are just the kind of stupid jokes that harold would do. I'm above that. Now, bernice says if I can heat up some oil and slice a few vegetables, I can make a healthy meal in about 10 minutes. Well, heck, I can open a bag of pork rinds in a lot less than 10 minutes. Okay, the point is maybe I should give this healthy cooking a try, but I'm tellin' you, cookin' one meal at a time? I don't think that's gonna make me healthy. And my doctor agrees with me. He told me I could use a big wok every day! See, with this baby, I can make a whole month's worth of meals at one time. It's actually junior singleton's old satellite dish. Or as I call it, the wok of life. Okay, she's good and hot. Now, it's time to add the oil. Lots of ways we can go here... Canola, olive, or my personal favourite, 10-w-30. Golly, a meal that smells like a stock car race. [ chuckling ] these beets were made for wokking. [ cat complains ] now, the key to stir frying is to stir while you're frying. I figured that out myself, actually. Man, this is getting pretty hot here. Oh yeah, and also you don't wanna scratch your super wok, so make sure you use something plastic. Remember, if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you healthy. What? If you see my wife, tell her I went for a wok. [ applause ] wanna talk to you older guys out there about your athletic ability. This won't take long. Now, we all know that wine improves with age. But wine doesn't play hockey. You're not just hurting yourself you know. Every time you lace up your skates, you're increasing the cost of everybody's medical insurance. Everyone knows you named yourself captain of the team so you wouldn't have to worry about being picked last. And you had to get the biggest locker so you'd have room for all your advil. Are you wondering if I'm talking to you? Well, if you're the oldest guy in the arena, including everyone's parents, that's a clue. If they ask you to stand still during the anthem, so the sound of your joints cracking doesn't drown out the p.A., these are all signs that it may be over. It's time for you to move on to sports that are better suited to your current athletic ability, like picking onions out of your salad or staying up until nine. Besides, you need to save your energy for the one sport that lasts a lifetime for married couples... Arguing. Remember, I'm pulling for you. We're all in this together. If you wake up every morning to the sound of birds coughing, it's time to call rothschild's. Well, this carnival thing is a big hit with everyone except the people who are in it. We got a regular four-ring circus going. Three in the tent and one around possum lake. Ah, we're good to go, mr. Green. Just waiting for the paint to dry on my booth. You selli'' kisses? Uh, no, the warden doesn't allow that. No, I'm guessing people's age and weight. Would you care to have a go? Oh, he's good. He's good. And considerate too. He whispers the answers to the women. Well, isn't whispering to women what got you into prison in the first place? Just hold still, okay. Okay... Hmm. Okay, I would say you are 58 years old and you weigh 167 pounds. Wow! How'd you do that? It's on your driver's license. [ laughter and applause ] hey, hey, hey. What are you doi'' in the circus? Oh, uh, I'm doin' the high wire act. Isn't that a little scary? Oh, not really. You learn the same skill as you do in the sewage business... Never look down. [ applause ] uncle red. Shouldn't you be wearing your dress? Now, there's a question every man wants to hear. Well, since I'm all ready to be shot out of the cannon, I think you should be dressed like the bearded lady. You know, unless you wanna just call the whole thing off. No, no, no. I'm good to go. Why, do you wanna chicken out? No! No, I don't. No, I don't. I was just -- I was thinking of convenience. That's all, just convenience. You know, you wouldn't have to look silly. I wouldn't have to die. No, I think we should face our fears. You do, huh? All right, then I will. That's exactly what I'll do! Here I go. Wish me luck. Good luck, harold. Okay. Harold, the cannon's that way. [ whimpering ] I know. Red: We had put our lunch in a picnic basket and left her in the barn because we were doing some clean-up around the lodge. And walter, apparently, had gotten there just a tad early. And, uh... Bill and I came in. We were pretty hungry. We were kinda looking forward to the lunch we had packed. We got in there and opened up the basket and were quite surprised to see that it was mainly just scraps and flots and bits and what have you. And we inquired as to walter what had -- he didn't seem to have a lot of information in that area. And then, uh, he finally surmised that he knows what it is. Rats, little rats in the -- bill goes, no problem. I happen to have a couple of traps in my pants. There we go. Well, they weren't set. Wasn't dangerous. So he grabs some cheese out of the basket and sets one down over -- they're a good size -- the rat trap is a good-sized trap. It's got a real good spring on it. Off an '82 reliant, I believe. Then he sets the other -- careful. Oh! Golly that can sting. And then he's dancin' around a bit, and wouldn't you know, he clips the other one with his foot. Now this is startin' to hurt him. And then... Oh! Oh! Wait, don't we have two rakes? Oh, yeah. All right, later that day... I got the idea to go to plan "b", which is one of these sticky rat pads they have. We've had this baby a while. I figure it works, and it's it safer. You just leave the pad lying out, and the rat gets kinda -- his feet get stuck in there. It's dried. Moisten maybe it'd be okay. I figure okay, the technology, it's a good idea, maybe we'll just build our own. Build maybe a better mousetrap -- or rat trap, or what have you, by just pouring our own adhesive, glue, what have you, into some garbage can lids. This is the strong stuff. And you take that, leave those in the barn just strategically placed, and they're gonna catch maybe six, seven, eight, nine, maybe a thousand rats. Oh, what happened there? Uh, they seem to be preoccupied with some sort of nasal adjustment. And then of course they step right into the glue and fall down, and the lids are stuck to their feet. Now, walter didn't come off too bad, 'cause I got her off right away. But you can see the adhesion quotient there. But just an extra few seconds was all it took for bill's to set right in. So I'm thinkin', walter, go and get the possum van. I got an idea. I figure if I could wedge that lid right into the floor, like straight up and down, and then get walter to back over him, what would happen is, I figured -- I didn't realise he had so much glue on his feet. But anyway, he did eventually get there. And I just figure, I'll just clear the area. Slow down! Slow down! I didn't realise walter's feet at this point were stuck. So I just got outta there. And then he was right over bill, nails the garbage can lid, away she goes. And, uh, you know, everything's as good as new. Uh, bill's a little upset, you know, with the treatment. And, uh, he gets into a little bit of a something with walter, but walter just keeps comin' back for more. Meanwhile, I wasn't havin' my best day. Wait a minute! Don't we have two rakes? If you're getting back to nature, good for you. If nature's getting back to you, good for me. [ laughter ] [ wolf whistles and applause ] I can't stay. The carnival starts any minute, and when you're dressed like this, it's good to keep moving. [ applause ] red, dalton and I don't wanna go through with this. I mean, when I agreed to walk the high wire, I didn't know it was the one they run electricity through! Well, I'm sure they'll turn the power off. At least down. What's your problem, dalton? I just don't feel funny. I don't know how we can get out of this. I mean, it's the maelstrom. Well, if any one of us reneges, that means we're not a man, right? Right. Which is basically like saying we're different from the others. But if we all chicken out -- I mean, uh -- uh, rethink the plan -- rethink the plan. Yeah. And all of us quit, then nobody's different, and nobody has to resign from the lodge. Oh, I dunno, winston. Oh, mr. Green! You've got beautiful legs. Okay, that's it. The deal's off. The maelstrom doesn't count, 'cause we're all quittin' at the same time. Thank you, red! Hadn't somebody better tell harold? He's already in the cannon. Harold! Harold! [ blast ] [ crashing on roof ] [ possum squealing ] dalton: Uh, meeting time! Harold? You okay? You know, I think you're fine. Just, uh, you know, you're unconscious. Your body does that, eh, so it can concentrate on the healing. Boy, we learned a lot today, uh, didn't we, harold? Like I was wrong about that maelstrom thing, uh, harold, you know. You're already a man. In fact, you're a real good man, and you don't need me forcin' you to do dumb things, you know, that really don't prove anything, so -- uncle red. Harold? You thought that dummy was me. Force of habit. Those were the nicest words you almost ever said to me. Take your hands off me, harold. I'm a lady. I'm just gonna go. Please do. Okay, uh, if my wife is watchin', I'll be comin' straight home after the meetin'. And I'm hopin' to prove that I'm more of a man than I look. And to the rest of you, thanks for watchin'. On behalf of myself and harold and the whole gang up here at possum lodge, keep your stick on the ice. [ cheers and applause ] okay, everybody sit down. Sit down everybody. Sit down in your seats. Sit down. All rise. Quando omni flunkus moritati. Red: Sit down. Bow your heads for the man's prayer. I'm a man, but I can change, if I have to, I guess. Okay, now, I've been hearing some rumours that many of you are dissatisfied with the way the lodge executive handled the whole maelstrom situation. I take great exception to that. Now, if I could just get my vice president and my secretary treasurer to stand with me, I think it's pretty obvious that we've got the right people for the job. Closed captioning performed by intercaption canada www.Intercaption.Com